Happy Birthday Wyatt

July 15, 2023

I watched the door all day today. It’s almost midnight and you didn’t bother to reach out. I wasn’t aware of any fight were in. It’s Kate trying to hurt me.

I wish she could just go away.

29 years ago I saw you for the first time. I was already in the hospital for 3 weeks. It was a surprise to everyone when I yelled I was in labor. You’re due date was August 9 and you were born July 15. I mentioned to my obstetrician later that day that my daughter was due May 8 and she was born April 14, the exact amount of time I was early with Wyatt. My doctor wasted no time in saying, “you probably should have mentioned that months ago.”

I was very sick when I was pregnant with my daughter. I only gained 5 pounds. I also didn’t tell my mother I was pregnant til April 1. So it was a huge surprise when I gave birth 2 weeks later. My daughter reminded me of an owl when I first saw her. Her eyes opened wide and shut over and over in the bright lights. My mother insisted she was a beautiful rosebud. I saw an owl. My daughter (Cassidy) always seemed wise beyond her years, an old soul. A kind, honest, nurturing, beautiful young lady with the common sense that most people lack, a sense of humor that would make a truck driver blush, a level of intelligence that would intimidate anyone if she spoke her mind as much as she should, and a heart that fits the world and everyone else’s problems in. I hope she knows how sorry I am for putting her on the back burner during the last 11-12 years.

My pregnancy with Wyatt was worse. I lost 15 pounds, throwing up every day. I’ve never been so sick in my life and I haven’t been since. I drove myself to the emergency room in the middle of the night in my eighth month. I had two kidney stones the size of golf balls in my left kidney and they were obstructing my ability to pee. I wasn’t removing waste from my body and it was backing up into my bloodstream making me sepsis. There wasn’t alot they could do at the time considering my baby boy was right there in the danger zone. I barely remember those three weeks, I was so out of it. But not long after they mentioned inducing me and saving one of our lives, I had my first labor pain and delivered Wyatt in the same hour. My doctor remarked on the miracle of the sac that protects the baby as i struggled to see him walking out of the room with Wyatt. Such a little baby…with really long legs. He was my frog.

Wyatt was beautiful and healthy, a true gift from God. He was able to go home the next day.. with his aunt. I was loaded into an ambulance and taken to a larger university hospital and recovered a month later.

I think this is the reason I always believed Wyatt is supposed to be here. He has a purpose.

I thought about you all day Wyatt. Not because it’s your birthday, I think of you everyday. But It is really hurtful to think you have to know that Kate has me blocked, I always want to know you’re ok and if you haven’t seen me message you in two weeks I have to believe you don’t want me in your life anymore. This is why I hate her so much. I’m your mom, I will always love you.

I’m trying so hard to understand this addiction and I’ve learned so much about it so far. But it’s frustrating.

Theres an award system in the brain that bumps out a little “feel-good” seratonin when we eat food or do other pleasurable things. This system made early man want to eat again which was needed for survival. It also triggers the part of the brain that controls panic and urgency. This was helpful in making early man think, “I haven’t eaten anything today, its important for me to do that now.”

Opioids follow the same path in the brain and trigger the same systems of reward and urgency. Long term use rewires the stimulation and leaves the user with the perception of seeking and using the drug as the most important thing in their life, maybe the only important thing.

I’m sorry I’ve hurt you with my words. I’ve called you a junkie and a scumbag and I hate that I did. I understand more now, but I still don’t know how to get you back. I don’t want to be part of your life that has you lying and stealing for your next high. I also can’t afford to buy them for you. You can’t go without them and you won’t go to rehab. So I’m lost at this point.

Wyatt’s Mom