Fuck Heroin..A Mom’s Story
FUCK Heroin
May 28
Written By Holly Sharp
May 11,2020- This was an entry during quarantine COVID-19, stuck in the house with my son.
Yes, I said it. I can’t even apologize for being crass. I tried many different titles, from dealing with addiction to coping with substance abuse. The truth is I’m not dealing or coping with any of it. It would be like dealing or coping with Hitler, because heroin is Hitler-like…more so the devil. I am a Mom that loves her child. I wouldn’t love him any more or less if he was a successful millionaire. Yet as a mother of an addict I’m required by many to grow a switch on my back and stop loving him. It seems like an unfair request.
As i write this rthe tears flow from my eyes, an everyday occurance. In a small town there are no secrets. I do appreciate the kind words of people when I’m trying to get through the day at work and they can’t help noticing my puffy eyes from my latest cry. It’s not just the hurt anymore.
Reminiscing of the fun times together when he was young. Times when he was a teen and i should have done things differently. Or the hateful things i’ve said lately out of frustration and anger. So many things make me sad. Even angry.
It was my responsibility to mold him into a productive member of society and i failed miserably. But somehow i still find self pity and want to demand some sense of peace for myself.
Our story started almost 9 years ago. I’d be lying if I said I had no idea he was making poor decisions and using drugs. But the day I found him unconscious with a needle in his arm was the day the devil appeared and said, “Let’s dance.”
I never did heroin. Not that I am a morally or more intelligent person, heroin just wasn’t an option when I grew up. I smoked pot in high school. Did some cocaine in my 20’s. Alcohol took over in my 30’s. I thought he could come to me with any struggle
I found myself as a self described “cool mom”. But I was totally unprepared and unequipped for this battle ahead of me.
It has been a long battle, and I feel like it’s taking its toll. My emotions change frequently. Today my feelings are of defeat.
I want a name for this disease and a pill he can take for it. There are people in this world that go crazy when they hear of addiction called a disease. I can understand their frustration treating addiction like diabetes or other illnesses. But after so many rehabs, loving him, threatening him, even trying to reason with him I just come up with the conclusion that he may never be well.
